It's been months of whirlwind feelings, lack of trust, losing friends-them moving forward and me staying behind, blending with new people and trying to find where i belong kind of ber-months. It seems that there has been some days when i feel like the momentum crashes down my face like how the wind blows, some days are like gah. like nothing is new, like every single day is just a reply of how it used to be. Every single day for the past months, i honestly tried to pave the way for my feelings to pour, but nothing seems to go right, yes there are things that i did right (because that is what we are suppose to do), but there are still things i hope for but of course i didn't get. Sometimes i feel like something is holding me back to reach whatever place I'm suppose to be, there are opportunities that i feel like, dude that belongs to me! but its still isn't mine, i guess my moment hasn't really come. The feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of belonging or minding my moment and feeling that everything is at the palm of my hands kind of feeling, but to hell with it, its still not mine, period. still not yours gal.
Maybe there will come a time, when people will look at me in a way that they will say, hey she deserves that!, i hope someday people will understand why i try so hard to make things perfect, to make things memorable, someday i hope they will remember me, not as that person that let moments/opportunities passed by, but the girl who did her everything to make things right. to make events memories. maybe someday ill feel that spotlight, but for now maybe ill just let life pass me by as if i was use to it.
Sometimes, my frustrations go a little way over the top, i see people succeeding in life, being promoted, being acknowledge of things they didn't even do, sometimes i feel like i just wanna shout to the world that i was a part of that, i made that happen, i worked hard for years to make that happen, but i sure can't cause if there is one thing that Ive learned from my current boss, it is that sometime people need not be in the spotlight, people need not be acknowledge on stage nor be given shout outs to the world of what they did, though it may be the most heart wrenching, emotionally draining process of working hard and of sleepless nights..., because at the end of the day people will never understand, they will never remember everything you did for them, cause as he says, we are only soldiers, soldiers that are made and born for battles, we are not the generals in the limelight, we are the only ones who pulls the strings, make things happen, but we will never be the one in front of the crowd to take a bow. With my current boss' leadership, Ive learned to be humble, to keep myself grounded, to bow if needed and to fall in line in the shadows if we have to. I am but a soldier for my work's battle. I am a pawn willing to take a bullet and sacrifice myself to make something bigger than reality possible.
One day, i promise myself that if i become a general with a battleship of my own, i will always acknowledge the people behind that curtains, the people who've sacrificed everything for the benefit of success. One day i wont be the one behind the shadows, i wont be the skeleton. I wont be the bones. I will be the one in front of the crowd, in the moment, in the memory. Tho i screech for this moments of being a soldier, i know it will help me keep myself grounded, for this is my foundation, this is my process. Coz One day i know i will be that. One day.
One Day.
B.
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