Lying to be Perfect

We are all Cinderella no matter what size, within each one of us there is unique beauty and grace. Finding that beauty, however, isn't easy. See, Cinderella had to first recognize that the problem wasn't her evil step mother. The problem was that it was easier to hide out cleaning the house than to go out and find happiness. She needed a fairy-godmother to empower her with the kind of self-confidence it takes to reject the insecurity brought on by unrealistic, over cheating, air brush, anorexic princess images in the media.  - Nola (Lying to be Perfect)

Here I am, wrapped fabulously in my black aero shirt and skimpy leggings staring at my figure in a full mirror at my pad, yeah I guess this isn’t the best I could pull off from my disaster of a closet, but moreover the real reason I am blogging right now is that because I came into a conclusion in my life… and believe me when I tell you that this is a big thing for me.

After watching the Cinderella Pact starring Poppy Montgomery I realized something, and it is that I’ve had enough Cinderella moments hidden within me, you could see me as the all good girl, rich kid, sporting designer bags as if they were only for every day use, without any problems about money and not caring about how the world thinks of what kind of girl I am, but now I’m coming clean, I am not who you think I am… I am just a plain old girl, wrapped in my plus sized fabulous clothes, pulling off make up like I am an expert while trying to hide the flaws beneath my imperfect skin, more than that I am weak, helpless and always undecided but most importantly I am fat.

A man I love right now, always tells me, that he’d had enough, enough of waiting of when will my inner goddess be released, and here I am, drenched in my own sorrow trying to figure out how to change myself not for him but for own sake, he said that he loves me but he fears that it wouldn’t be too long, for I am big, I am fat and maybe future wouldn’t be an excuse because I wouldn’t reach it and I may lose my existence if I don’t change.

And so here I am, press releasing the big conclusion of my life, and I say I decided one thing. And that is that I am changing and I will do it. For gods sake some of you might not understand the pain throbbing beneath my laughter, but I tell you I’ve been hunted by my cellulites since the day I was born and now I am not sure how could I pull this thing off in the future, I wouldn’t have that kind of courage I pulled off when I was in high school, when my whole batch turned their backs on me and blankly without any effort made fun of my body size, I was called a pig, a sofa and moreover I was named a name I could bear hearing, it was “bacoy” (baboy+baka) a cross bred animal scientifically invented from my classmates imaginations that they say that I will forever be a pig and if one day I would get thinner my skin would dangle under me like a cow. Now that I’ve gone a long way, having graduated from college and having a minimum wage job that gives me the perks of exhausting my true calling for public service, I’m now coming clean for I know that this day would eventually come, that one day my courage wouldn’t be enough to salvage my heart, my life, my self and moreover the man I love.

I am the change I wanted to see for so long, oh you don’t know how long I have been dreaming of that moment that my prince charming would come up to me and tell me how beautiful I am, don’t get me wrong now, I’ve always believe that I am beautiful inside and out even though I’m fabulously walking in my plus size dress that I bought secretly at f21.

Let me tell you a bit background about how I’ve been battling being a plus size since the day I opted to salvage my tears, by eating 2 slices of cake when I was a kid. When I was a kid every December before the holiday season, my parents and my grandmother would get us to a mall and buy the most lavish dresses or grab money could buy. However seeing that I am the fattest kid in our family I would bluntly be left to buy last. I was 12 and I was sporting an XL and that anything in the expensive department store wouldn’t fit me, one Christmas holiday, we went shopping and I tried an orange dress drape with flower designed fabric, it was the most beautiful dress I’ve seen (during that age, I guess that was my taste) but there was one problem, it doesn’t fit me. That day after shopping, I swore myself that one day I would wear a sexy black dress with heels. All night I was crying and praying to God to give me a body to die for. I was depressed.  Being a kid eating was always my salvation, I have never stopped eating, my body seemed to agree, but it grew bigger every single day. During those years of my life, I had asthma and the only thing that could help me breath and stop having nightly chills was to take steroids. Steroids blew me up like a balloon, my thighs were so big that I needed to buy a pair of pants from a grown up store, my arms were humongous that any free size shirt I wore would look like I’m a dumpling wrapped in cloth. I was berated by my looks so I what I did is, I didn’t eat food at school but my parents wouldn’t be happy about it, so ate a lot at home and binge and throw up in my bathroom. I was sick, I was young, but I didn’t know what to do with my problems, I was too shy to tell my parents about it that all I did was do the same exact thing till college. But here I am, still fat, confident at work but self-esteem is still eating me alive.

22, 5 3’’ in height and a size 14-16. Fat. Still Fat. I’m in a relationship right now, but I guess this thing I call love will fall apart any minute now because I haven’t change a bit. My demons are now getting on my head again, I started binging again then throwing up so I could torment myself with guilt I had with eating calories.

But today, I’m going to sign a pact I made myself, that after 4 months, I will win my battle of being overweight. And this goal would hopefully salvage my self-esteem, the man I love and moreover myself.

8.19.13 see you in December 12.25.13.

So no more cookies.

So no more standing in the shadows.

It's time you took the center stage.

- Nancy (Lying to be perfect)