UNLEARning

(this entry is way better while listening to the song "UNLEARN" by jimmy bondoc located below)

its already 11:32 in the evening and still...

i can't sleep, yes i know that i have to wake up early tomorrow for work but, to hell with being late...

i guess I'm just bored, awhile ago i went to the pool (its like a routine for me to hang out there every sunday evening) at the penthouse of the pad where i live and swam there for 30 minutes or so...i felt so relax and i tried not to think about anything or anyone but as i tried to close my eyes... his image just popped in my mind...God knows how much i want to forget him...how much i want to forget every single thing he said to me...

so to begin with... lets start on how much i tried to make iwas and forget about him...

1. so 1 week before our office TB all i did was to avoid him, it as if i was mocking him, that every time i see him i just smile and whenever our paths collide at the elevator and he was about to enter it... i always end up nervously closing it in a rush..he just laughed at my immature ways ..but gosh i was hurting at that time, i felt so lonely that even a single cup of gelato wouldn't make me happy...so by then i continued to live on...on that same week he confessed to me that he loves/likes someone else...sh*t my heart just broke into a million pieces..it was shattered like it fell from the top floor of a 29th building penthouse of my pad....but anyways like everyone who loves i got hurt again, i told him that it was okay for me that he likes someone else, that i would just be happy if i see him contented with his new found  crush, but shit kills and i was almost drowning with own tears, at the back of my mind i wanted to tell him that i was never gonna be happy, that i was never gonna be contented ..not until he tries to like me like me...but stupid as i am i told him that i wanted him to promise to me that he needs to tell me if i should stop...because i wanted to know straight from him if i needed to let go of my stubborn fondness of his existence, yeah he did promise...

2. on the day of the team building i told my girl boss (which is so close to him like an older sister) a story about his crush and of a guy and a story of another girl who likes him also, i told her that story of why i don't him to be with her, (sorry i can't tell it to you...) and that i don't him to pursue her because i do believe that he will make the same mistakes all over again, on that same night she told him that story and when we had the chance to have a little alone time, i confessed to him everything i know..he told me that he was really happy and really shocked at the same time, he told me that he was thankful for the ones confuse him was know enlightened that all the pieces in his mind was slowing making its way unto being complete, that this story of mine was a glue of his shattered game... that same night before i sleep, i was thinking about him, of the possibilities of him and me together, but i don't know...like he said i was or maybe he just thinks of me as a little sister, as a SHOBE (lil sister in chinese) but then again my stubborn mind and heart felt different, my mind says to stop being stupid, there are plenty of fishes in your bowl yet you chose that one fish that will make you cry that will make you hope with make believes...but my heart says, i like him so much that i love him, my heart says that hey girl, keep it up... your almost there, just wait, give time a chance, give yourself this moment to take a look on how much you have waited for this moment to arrive... oh well..

3. in the bus on our way back to manila (from our office's TB) he asked me to sit beside him, and we had that time to ourselves to talk...i was amaze on how he much he could talk about himself despite the failures that happened in his life, on that very same moment my ones moving on heart started to beat for him again, it was like the butterflies in my tummies are having a concert, he was so close to me that i could smell his scent, his shoulders were rubbing in mine, those same moments i felt as if we were that only ones in the bus and that everyone was a stranger...his boyish chinky smile made me melt that i could almost feel my skin gushing on the floor (haha..oa), but yeah... i was really surprised by how his life was full of downs, i felt pity on him yet i felt really hurt for at the end of the day no one takes care of him, no ones there to be him, to hug him every time he feels down, nobody is there to mend his heart...

but i was happy coz he held my hand and put it in his arms, gawd shit i was almost blushing...we stayed like that for hours, until we reached our office, then we had to say goodbye...

4. shit, i felt like crap, the following week i never got to see him as often as possible yet the rumors of him liking this girl spread like wild fire..and so the week have past ...one tuesday night i said to myself, ill bring back his book that he lend me and ill give him a piece of chocolate cake (just a gesture of saying thanks) so ill forget about him.., but now i can't seem to find my heart or my feelings, i mean what should i do next, should i keep on waiting, should i keep his promise to me that he can't say that i should let go of him right now, and that he doesn't want to put a period on it, but he just wants time and destiny to let it go...he just wants God to make him know if he is ready....

oh well...honestly i don't know if i could put up with this anymore, my heart beats for him, yet he doesn't want to take this chance of accepting me, its not that i want to be his girlfriend, its not that i want to be someone special,  all i want is just to be a part of his life, for if that happens, i would protect him, i would make him happy, and i will never ever allow anyone to hurt him....

gusto ko lamang talaga ay makita siyang masaya, hindi nasasaktan, hindi nahihirapan, hindi napapagod at higit sa lahat gusto kong hilumin yung puso niyang napagod nang magmahal...pero ngayon hindi ko na alam, nahihirapan rin naman ako, lahat ng taong nagmamahal nasasaktan, pero yung sakin, iba na eh, mukha na akong tanga...siguro matagaltagal pa akong maghihintay...

N.

I must unlearn you, pretend you dont exist
I must unlearn you, pretend we never kissed
I must unsee you in the sea
I must unfeel you’re here with me
I must unlove you before my heart runs out of space
I must unlove you so someday someone may take your place